25
i rationalize:
those few weeks we spent together were an aberration,
a break
a chance for us to be other people
i can’t fault you for choosing her
when she was there first
(right?)
the numbness threatens to crack,
shove the murk down again
the practical thing: forget
but how can i forget
when the mornings are just as blue
and the afternoons just as bright
and my dreams just as filled with the smell of watermelon?
when i close my eyes,
i see you smiling at me still
pupils wide
i still imagine taking you everywhere:
cable cars in cape town
vintage cars along the amalfi coast
picnics in the south of france —
let’s get lost together,
i say to you in my head
away from here
away from our history
whatever expectations you may have
let’s get far away,
pack two suitcases of matching clothes:
hers and hers
maybe we could be friends —
maybe — when we are older
maybe then we’ll learn to forgive and forget
after all, she’s still my friend
bygones can be bygones,
right?